Category Mental illness

What goes on the inside of the life of a madman?

Adam Leave a comment

My life has been in turmoil. My mental illness has been kicking my ass, and I stopped fighting back. I drive around every day. I do some DoorDashing sometimes. I’m stuck in my parents’ basement, where all I have is a mattress to sleep on.
At nighttime, I’m not really sleeping. I have dreams where I’m realizing stuff that happened to me, and I realize how it affected me. It’s like I’m living life in the past, constantly processing my trauma.


I’m not really living. I’m stuck with no way out. I’m addicted to cigarettes. All my extra money goes toward gas and cigarettes. I’m constantly asking my parents for money, and I’m 39 years old.


The only way out is to find something I enjoy doing, but I’ve been stuck on that since the age of 5, when my dad would get drunk and torture me by asking me, “What do I want to do with my life?” Like I had any clue. Ever since then, I’ve been trying to figure it out instead of doing stuff. It’s like my mind is gone in that aspect of life.
I’m going to try to go to Barnes & Noble and read books about history every day. But even that is hard because I get too excited about the stuff I’m learning and put the book down. This is what goes on inside the mind of a madman.

My life is spinning in circles

Adam Leave a comment

So, I’ve noticed a pattern in my life, and it’s scary. I feel like a dog chasing its tail. I come up with an idea—usually for a website or something online. I start building it, and sometimes I even finish it. But it doesn’t yield the results I want, so I give up and repeat the whole process again.

Part of the problem is that I expect instant results; another part is that I struggle to commit. This blog, which I write in as often as an old lady runs, is the only thing I’ve been consistent with for more than two years in my entire life.

I wish I could break the cycle and create something that people actually use. Maybe there’s a flaw in my outlook on life. I wonder how many people are like me—just drifting through life.